


It Has Been Everything

by haleycallaghan



Category: Phandom
Genre: Depression, I'm Sorry, Insecure Phil, M/M, Phan - Freeform, References to Depression, Sad Dan Howell, Sad with a Happy Ending, TriggerWarning, Triggers, kinda sad, seclusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-17 21:47:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haleycallaghan/pseuds/haleycallaghan
Summary: Sometimes things are hard. Dan knows that. Phil knows that. But sometimes things get too hard. Sometimes you need someone no matter how alone you want to be.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> i know this is going to seem sad right now but i promise im going to turn things around for my boys (:

It has been good.

Life has been good.

Living has been good.

Everything is in its place.

It is hard on occasion, but its nothing that Dan can't handle. It can't get to a point of no return anymore. He always bounces back from a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, anything. Of course, he still has low points which is okay and understandable. Phil has been a lot of help. He reminds Dan to do things, and sometimes plans days out for them both when things are looking a little low for his friend. Phil knows Dan is doing a lot better and he tries very hard to keep it that way. It works for the most part, Phil understands Dan can't always be happy and may need some time to himself, which is okay.

What's not okay is the seclusion. The distance Dan puts between them at times. The shut doors, lonely taxi rides, the leaving without telling Phil. He always returns from it, and he can handle it, but its still not okay. Not okay to his friends, to Phil, or to his parents. They understand wanting to be alone, everybody needs personal time and space once in a while. Once in a while. Dan can have a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, anything. He'll barely talk to anyone. Shut himself out. Nobody knows how long it will last because Dan doesn't really talk to anyone about it. When its all over, he's the same as before. He knows its unhealthy. Phil knows its unhealthy. They both try to communicate about it but its hard sometimes to do that. 

It has been hard.

Life has been hard. 

Living has been hard.

Nothing is in its place.

This is the longest episode in a long time. Phil is really worried. Dan's family is really worried. The internet is really worried. They don't believe Phil when he tells them that Dan is okay. Dan hasn't said a word on the internet in 2 months. He barely comes out of his room, barely talks to Phil, barely does anything. Phil has never asked Dan to talk about whats on his mind out of fear he might make things worse, but it really is getting to a point of no return. Phil hasn't had to go shopping in a while. The electricity bill has gone down. The house has a strange smell when you walk into it from being out all day. Phil tries to do chores and clean up. It almost seems like hes the only one living there.

Finally after 2 months and a week. Phil knocks on Dan's door. Dan opens it. His eyes are red, his hair is long and tangled, he's wearing the same thing Phil saw him in last Tuesday, and the lights are off in his room except for his computer on his bed which blinks an angry white. The hallway fills with humidity. Phil must have been making a face of pity because Dan's eyes widen and he steps out of his room and closes his door. Phil asks him to go out to lunch. He can tell Dan doesn't really want to which he expected but he isn't going to let his best friend sit in his room in solitude anymore. 

It has been lonely.

Life has been lonely.

Living has been lonely.

Everything has been out of order.


	2. Its Getting Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is starting to lose it. Dan can tell, but he doesn't know how to fix it... yet.

It has been okay.

Life has been okay.

Living has been okay.

Everything is just... okay.

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. The smell is gone, and Dan is slowly coming out of his room more and more. Phil notices this and it makes him happy, but hes starting to lose his mind. He is more of an extrovert, and likes to be around people. Which he hasn't. For almost 3 months. He's done this for Dan, though. Stay inside, try to take care of him, try to get him to come out of his room. Anything. And it's working, he thinks. Maybe it's just Dan getting better. Who knows, Dan still isn't really talking that much unless hes talked to by someone else. Its hard on both of them, Phil thinks, and he starts to feel selfish. He cant stop thinking about being with his friends and going out again, but Dan is his best friend and he should be doing more for him. The circles under Dan's eyes are starting to go away and hes changed his clothes a couple of times. Phil thinks the end of this episode is right around the corner. One morning he asks Dan how he feels. Dan says hes feeling fine, but its not that convincing. Phil raises his eyebrows. 

Dan took a deep breath.

     "Phil, I'm really sorry. I know how I've been acting and I'm trying to come out of it for you because you've been doing so much for me and I haven't appreciated you enough for it. I'm so sorry. I honestly don't even know how I got here, I don't remember what got me down in the first place. You have been such a good friend to me and I've taken you for granted and I truly am sorry for everything I've put you through. I hope you can forgive me and forgive me for all my past little episodes." He said, his eyes red and his voice shaky.

Phil was shocked. This was unexpected, but very appreciated. It was the most Dan had said to him at once in a really long time.

     "Dan, mate, of course I forgive you." Phil sat on the couch. "I know you've been having a hard time, and though I do wish you would talk to me about it, I really just want you to be okay again. I'll do everything I can for that." He smiled at Dan, and Dan smiled back.

It has been worse.

Life has been worse.

Living has been worse.

Everything is turning out for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it'll get better haha


	3. Finally Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil go out for the first time in 3 months to a party their friend Louise invited them to. Phil hopes Dan will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you guys are liking this (: This chapter is going to be a little bit longer than the others because of the dialogue.

It's getting a lot better.

Life is getting a lot better.

Living has been getting a lot better.

Nothing seems to be going wrong for Dan nor Phil.

Its so much better, in fact, that Dan agreed to go out of the house to a birthday party their friend Louise invited them to! Phil was ecstatic to hear this. He didn't think Dan would want to go because Louise tends to throw big parties with a lot of people, but Dan said he would be okay and if he felt uncomfortable he would tell Phil right away so they could go take a break.  Dan was nervous, though, as he hadn't seen a lot of the people invited in a long time and he didn't want anyone to ask where he had been. Its very hard to explain that you've been locked in your room for 3 months without much contact with anyone for a reason you can't remember. He knows he has Phil, and that makes him feel a lot better. 

     "Are you ready to go, Dan?" Phil knocked on his door. Dan scrambled up off his bed.

     "Hey yeah sorry just give me one minute and I'll be out," Dan said running to his closet and finding something clean to wear. He quickly splashed water on his face and sprayed some cologne. Together, Dan and Phil walked out the door and made their way to the waiting Taxi. 

The drive there was mostly silent, Dan was tweeting, which he started doing again recently, and Phil was playing a game on his phone. When the taxi stopped outside Louise's apartment entrance, both boys got out and made their way upstairs. Dan was clearly nervous, he was a little shaky and he was tapping on the elevator rail. They stood outside her door.

     "Are you sure you want to be here, Dan?" Phil asked. "I'll completely understand if you'd like to go home. I know Louise would understand too."

     "No, I know I'm nervous but I think after a little bit I'll be okay." Dan replied.

He knocked on the door. It immediately swung open to reveal Louise's bright smiling face.

     "Phil! Dan! I'm so glad you came, and just in time for food! Come in!" She moved to the side to let the two in.

Dan looked around. Everything looked so nice and clean. He missed seeing a clean house. Phil put his arm around his friend. 

     "Hey why don't we go get some food? Its been a while since we've had a home cooked meal. The whole house smells good!" Phil said, smiling.

     "Yeah, I haven't eaten that much today. I could definitely eat." Dan smiled back.

The kitchen was full of people and food. After Dan made up a plate, he was greeted by PJ. They had been friends for a long time, but Dan couldn't remember the last time he had seen him. He felt a twinge of guilt.

     "Hey Peej, whats up?" Dan asked. He gave his friend a quick hug.

     "Nothing much mate, just been making the usual content and not being that social." PJ laughed. "This is the first party I've been to in a couple weeks."

     "I can relate to you on that. Did you hear about Felix and Marzia? I'm so happy for them." Dan said, trying to make conversation.

     "Yeah me too, its been long overdue. I'm excited for the wedding in November. Felix even asked me to be best man!" PJ exclaimed.

     "Oh, November ? I didn't know they picked a day." Dan said. "Congratulations on best man, that's a huge honor!"

     "Thanks man! Yeah, November is what it said on the invitations. They sent them out a couple days ago. I'm very happy for them." PJ said. "Oh, hey I'm getting a call. I'll be back in a second."

     "Okay." Dan said. His stomach was in a knot. They hadn't gotten any invitation, or at least Dan hadn't. Unless Phil had his? With his heart beating fast, he made his way to Phil who was talking to Louise.

     "Hey, Phil? Can I talk to you for a second?" Dan asked, putting his hand on Phil's shoulder. Phil nodded and told Louise he would be back in a couple minutes.

     "Hey Dan, what's up? Are you okay?" Phil asked with concern in his eyes.

     "I'm not sure yet. I was just talking to Peej and he said he already had an invitation to Felix and Marzia's wedding in November? I didn't remember getting anything in the mail or text and I didn't know if you got anything and I felt horrible because I didn't know they had chosen a day," Dan rambled, "I've been so absent in their lives and-" 

     "Dan, calm down. I got both of our invitations last Wednesday and they've been sitting on the counter since then. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just thought you had already seen them. Don't worry about it anymore, okay? Everything is okay." Phil said grabbing on Dan's shoulders. He pulled his friend in for a hug. Dan sighed. He probably had seen them, and not known what they were. At least he was invited.

     "Thank goodness. Sorry for freaking out I was just worried they hadn't invited me because of my... you know..." Dan said, rubbing the back of his neck.

     "Its okay mate, I should have told you when I got them. I probably got side tracked." Phil replied.

He sighed. He felt bad that he forgot to tell his best friend something so important. At least Dan was okay now. Dan had walked away to go talk to PJ again and Phil walked back to Louise who was talking to Zoella and Alfie. The party went on till the sun set, and that was when Dan and Phil decided to go home. They thanked Louise for inviting them and walked out of her home with arms full of leftover food. Dan was so tired he fell asleep in the taxi. Phil woke him up when they got home, and they unpacked everything into the fridge.

     "Hey, Phil?" Dan said, walking up the stairs to his room.

     "Yeah?" Phil answered from his room across the hall.

     "Thank you for being there for me today. I think if I was there alone I would have been home hours ago. I had a lot of fun today." Dan responded.

     "No problem, I'm glad you had a good time. See you in the morning."

     "See you in the morning."

Its been fun.

Life has been fun.

Living has been fun.

Everything is good again.


End file.
